24 April 2014


A video script in development

"How to Kick the Ass of Homophobic Bullies"

[title card] WARNING: Although the video content in this feature is Safe For Work, the audio track contains occasional R-rated language both in English and на великом и могучем языке. Some viewers may prefer to use headphones if young children or elderly Russians are present.

[Fade to _Mermaid Hello Kitty_ puppet, with silver duct tape over her mouth, holding a sign that says in Japanese characters "I Have No Mouth and I Must Scream." (note to self: find correct Japanese title of Harlan Ellison story on Wikipedia and print on cardstock)]

MHK: Mmmm-hmm-nggg-mmmm, mmm-hnggg-mmmm!

[_Volk the Dog_ puppet appears and at first growls deeply in fluent Russian]

VtD: Она говорит, "У меня рта нет, а я хочу кричать"! [Eng. subtitle: "She says, I have no mouth and I must scream!"]

[closeup of VtD as he switches to Boris-and-Natasha English]

VtD: Although I don't know vot for is needed duct tape! In actual fact, Hello Kitty has actually NO MOUTH for to scream vith! Is some kind gah-net-tic moo-tay-shin, is werrry sad...

[green felt tail of MHK smacks VtD upside the head, with "hi-ya!" VO]

[fade in title card]

"How to Kick the Ass of Homophobic Bullies"
presented as a public service
by T.H. Roberts Industrial Consortium Enterprises

[fade in to Rob, ME]

ME: Hello, everybody! My name is Robert McGee, although most of my real-world friends call me "Rob" and most of my online friends know me as "Throbert." In this video series, I'm going to explain how vitally important it is for everyone to KICK THE ASSES of homophobic bullies, and I'll offer you some tips on how to do it in an efficient and hygienic way.

ME: By the way, I should mention up front that I am myself an out-of-the-closet homosexual. I mean, I *LOVE* corndogs [holding up a corndog] and I especially enjoy chomping on a corndog until it starts leaking mayonnaise, but I don't really care for tacos.

[title card: photo of a taco = "ho-hum, boring, zzzzzz"]

ME: But for me, even less appetizing than tacos is THE HERSHEY HIGHWAY. Instead, I enjoy doing "frot" with a guy, and if you don't know what "frot" is, remind me to explain later. But as an executive summary: I'm a homo, yet I have chosen to walk away from "what-what in the butt."

ME: I just wanted to make it extra clear that I am NOT an ex-gay or a right-wing plant -- I am an AUTHENTIC homosexual, and making sweet love to another dude is one of my favoritest things in the world. I enjoy homosexual shenanigans so much that I have even appeared in an X-rated video by gay porn director Joe Gage. [holding up DVD case of "Closed Set: Oral Report"] I didn't get a screen credit, but my face is clearly visible [pantomiming fellatio with tongue pushing out cheek] for anyone who wants to challenge my homosexual credentials. And I'm not one of those boring right-wing gays who did porn in the past but is now deeply repentent; the only thing I regret is that I should've asked Mr. Joe Gage for more money, because my cocksucking skills are really splendid.

ME: Now, let's get back to the subject of kicking the asses of homophobic bullies. I should explain that when I'm talking about "homophobic bullies", I do NOT have in mind the usual suspects like the Vatican and the Mormon Church and Brendan Eich and the Boy Scouts of America and the hundreds of millions of people around the world who think that the English word "marriage" means only "the union of a man and a woman," and that some OTHER word should be invented to describe legalized same-sex unions. Personally I would vote for "quarriage," because many homosexuals seem to go for the letter Q like cats going after catnip, but that's something to discuss later.

ME: Anyway, the "homophobic bullies" I have in mind are people like... [headshots flash on screen to accompany the names] Andrew Sullivan, Michael Lucas, Dan Savage, and Bryan Singer.

ME: At this point, many of you might be thinking, "Wait! I'm not 100% sure who Michael Lucas is, but I'm pretty sure those other guys are openly gay men! How can they be homophobic bullies?!?"

[title card: "Indeed, what a comical paradox!"]

ME: When I say that Dan Savage and Bryan Singer and so forth are homophobic bullies, I mean to say, first of all, that in various ways and to different degrees, they BULLY other people -- sometimes people who are much weaker than them, and I'm fixing my mutant head-exploding Scanner powers on YOU particularly, Mr. Bryan Singer!

[insert footage of _Scanners_ head explosion]

ME: Of course, I wouldn't REALLY use my uncanny psychokinetic abilities to make the skulls of BryanSingerDanSavageMichaelLucas&AndrewSullivan go ker-SPLOOSH, however much they might deserve it, because I am a kind-hearted person, and also because psychokinesis is only for pretend in movies, and doesn't exist for reals.

ME: But anyway, not only are these guys just a bunch of bullies, but I intend to argue in these videos that they are motivated by a self-loathing dislike of their own homosexuality!

ME: Again, you may be thinking, "But Andrew Sullivan and Dan Savage admit that they enjoy sex with other men, and along with Bryan Singer and Michael Lucas, they denounce homophobia -- so how could they possibly be self-loathing insecure basketcase freakazoids who RESENT, deep down, that God or Fate or Nature made them homosexuals?"

[title card: "Zounds, it is baffling!"]

ME: In this short video series, I will walk you through the arguments that these self-described "out-and-proud gay men" are secretly insecure about their homosexuality, and that's what tends to promote their bullying behaviors. Just for starters, though, let me suggest this: An emotionally mature, homosexual ADULT MAN who truly believes that erotic intimacy with another ADULT MAN can be something dignified, noble, and sacred would never, ever DESECRATE the concept of homosexuality by confusing a 20-year-old college-aged guy with a FleshLight [holding up a FleshLight] .... but that's exactly what Bryan Singer apparently did -- not once, but many, many times. Because Bryan Singer doesn't believe in MAN to MAN lovemaking; he believes that a wealthy and successful and famous adult GAY male like himself is entitled to dominate and exploit a low-status community-college dude as a rented fetish object or a plastic masturbation toy.

* * *

[not yet sure where I'll work this next part in, but it'll be separate from the "Hello, I'm Rob McGee" intro video outlined above]

ME: The $1000 per month price tag of PrEP pills will not, in most cases, be paid directly by the person taking the medicine. Instead, private insurance companies will be pressured to cover the cost of the prescription, and gay activists will demand that Obamacare or some other government program should subsidize the pills as well.

ME: So, gay men who are too ignorant and lazy to use a buck-fifty condom when they have anal sex will instead pass the cost on to other insurance customers and taxpayers, including:

[Title card and V.O.]

(A) Married heterosexuals

(B) Gay men who enjoy anal sex but are willing to put up with the minor inconvenience of always using a rubber

(C) Gay men who don't even like anal sex and never do it

ME: If you're wondering how many gay men are in the "no buttsex" category, I've seen polls from both the US and UK estimating that it's around 20% or so. This 20% includes a few gay Jewish dudes from Orthodox upbringings who avoid anal contact for religious and cultural reasons...

[campy Coronet-hygiene-film music accompanies the following sequence of title cards]

Let's Study Torah!

[card 1 reads:]

ואת-זכר לא תשכב משכבי אשה תועבה הוא

Vet-zakhur lo toshekav mishkevei ishah toevah have.

A man must not lie down sexually with a man as with a woman; it is an abomination.
(Leviticus 18:22)

[card 2 reads:]

In the Jewish rabbinical interpretation, the Hebrew phrase mishkevei ishah, most often translated "as with a woman", was really an ancient euphemism that signified: "doin' it in the 'man-gina'."

In other words, the longer phrase "to lie down with a man AS with a woman" = "using another dude's cornhole AS THOUGH it were a chick's va-jay-jay"

[card 3 reads:]

So there's no confusion, let's be clear that in traditional Jewish religious law, ALL homosexual behavior is sinful -- even when there's no anal sex involved. Nevertheless, for many centuries, Jewish scholars who can read Biblical Hebrew in the original have agreed that the emphatic condemnation in Lev. 18:22 and 20:13 addressed "fudgepacking" very specifically -- rather than "homosexual behaviors" in general.

[card 4 reads:]

But you don't have to take my word for it -- just ask ANY RABBI IN THE ENTIRE FREAKIN' WORLD.

[end of Coronet-style film-within-film]

ME: Anyway, there are some non-Jewish gay men have no particular religious objections to anal activity, but they stay away from it because of [ticking off fingers]

"The OUCH! Factor"
"The Stinky Brown Stains Factor"
"The Penises Taste Nicer Than Anuses Factor"
"The Who-Needs-the-Higher-HIV-Risk? Factor"

But in any case, homo and bi dudes who don't like anal [gesturing to self] are just one of the many groups who are expected to chip in for those $13,000 a year Truvada pills to protect lazy-ass irresponsible barebacking buttfuckers! And I don't think that's quite right.


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